That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
