C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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