This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm at about main and main street
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
