hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
