im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So squirting runs in the family.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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