My friends, they love my intelligence
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
