the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
