So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
