Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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