I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
