I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
