it was like eating out sand paper
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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