apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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