In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
