The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am never drinking with the goths again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
