I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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