I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
