He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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