I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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