there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
