i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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