Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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