Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
