i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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