i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
tonight lets celebrate not being married
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
