Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
