I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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