It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
