We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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