I wish my penis had an off switch
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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