Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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