Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she told me i tasted like america
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
