dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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