mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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