i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
