EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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