I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
