She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
