you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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