yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
