I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
