Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
