at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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