so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
