Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
