I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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