dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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