not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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