Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just threw up on my dentist
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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