my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
