Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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