fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
